Tuesday, 5 September 2017

The story of my worst ever date

Alright, Story time…
Around this time last year I was sat in hospital after an operation feeling utterly sorry for myself. I had only broken up with my ex a few days earlier, my family was miles away, and none of my friends could get off work to be there for me. I was completely alone, and on so much anaesthetic and pain medication that I was completely helpless. Needless to say this was not the perfect time for me to be making any decisions, but in my desperation to never be lonely and vulnerable again, I somehow found myself swiping my way through Tinder. A few days later my phone pinged telling me I had a new match, let’s call him Adam. His picture wasn’t exactly my usual type, but he wasn’t awful looking and was amazingly sweet when we were messaging and getting to know each other, so I gave him a chance and we arranged a date. When the date rolled around he seemed eager, driving 50 miles to pick me up and take me out, it almost seemed as if I had found a rare gem amongst the horror stories of Tinder. 

As you can probably guess by the posts title, the date did not live up to my expectations. The first warning sign was the car. As I perched on my garden wall in my favourite summer dress waiting to be picked up a lime green boy racer sped past with its music blaring sped down my road, did a U turn, and pulled up. I was internally screaming for it not to be my date… needless to say, it was. I nervously got in the car, pushing aside the empty fast-food wrappers and cans of lynx, and ignoring the fact he let out a rather loud fart as I got in. I tried not to let my heart sink as we went towards the city centre to see what he had planned. 

Turns out, he hadn’t planned. We wandered through the city centre aimlessly for a while discussing options, appreciating the sunny weather, generally making small-talk until he asked if there were any Italian restaurants nearby. I was impressed, I hadn’t expected him to remember my favourite food, so I reeled off a few delicious independent restaurants I’d tried before until he finally settled on one. Once we got into the restaurant and got seated things slowly got worse… I was careful to go for an option that:

A. didn’t stink (I hadn’t written off a good night kiss at this point), and
B. couldn’t go straight down my dress.

I ended up settling on the Risotto, while he went for pizza. When I went to order a glass of wine with the meal he interrupted and said I would have a coke. What mate? No alcohol? I don’t even like coke unless it’s diet! Waiting for the food to arrive we got given some of the kids colouring packs by the waiter. This was the moment he could have redeemed himself and drawn something cute, maybe the two of us eating on our first date you’re thinking? - you’re wrong. The boy drew ‘Ebola on a plate’ and proceeded to turn the finger-puppet figure into a trans, heroin-addicted prostitute… then put it on the wall for everyone to see. I sank further and further down my chair wanting the ground to swallow me up. When the food arrived I sat trying to daintily eat my choice, only to look up and see him rolling up his pizza and devouring huge chunks at once. He ate the entire thing in under 5 minutes, only stopping between mouthfuls to let out the occasional loud burp. I finished my meal eating alone while he proceeded to tell me how him and his friends had a Facebook page where they try to out-offend each other. The waiter couldn’t stop laughing, I wanted nothing more than to escape. Ask Italian, please put windows in your toilets for me to climb out of next time?

When we left the restaurant he decided he wanted dessert, and decided we should head to a nearby ice cream parlour. Ok, at this point the date was doomed anyway and I should’ve just made my excuses and gone home, but I really like ice cream. You’re probably thinking the date couldn’t get much worse? You’re wrong. We sit at the ice cream parlour and it slowly fills up with kids popping in on their way home from school, the guy gets increasingly racist, and increasingly loud. I was beyond embarrassed and trying to get him to shut up whilst eating my way through brain-freeze to get out of there as quickly as possible.  The burping and farting didn’t stop until the moment he dropped me off at home… at the end of all that he leaned in for a kiss outside my house. I have never got out of a car so quickly in my life.

So fast-forward a few hours and I was left at home crying down the phone to my best friend about how awful the date was and wondering if I was destined to be single for the rest of my days. Needless to say I pretty much gave up on Tinder that very moment. If I was gonna find love, it wasn’t amongst the guys I was finding on Tinder. 

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